When I Need You Most
by dawneh
Summary: Something brings Craig home from Dublin... something he wished didnt... but there is also something good to come home to
1. Chapter 1

Craig looked at himself in the mirror and sighed.

The dark suit fitted perfectly as if it had been made to measure, but he felt constricted in it, suffocated and every fibre of his being wanted to tear it from his skin. He didn't want to wear it… he didn't want to NEED to wear it.

The deep colour of the fabric seemed to wash away the natural tanned tone of his skin leaving him looking washed out and pale. Craig had never looked pale before; then again he had never had a day like this before.

Maybe it wasn't the suit that made him look pale and drawn. Maybe it was due to the lack of sleep that had left the dark circles under his eyes or the grief that had taken the sparkle from them. Maybe pale was simply the way he felt because apart from numb Craig wasn't even sure how he felt.

A hand rested on his shoulder and Craig turned his head.

"Ready?"

Jake was dressed in a similar style to Craig and he looked as uncomfortable in the formal wear as his younger brother.

"Not really," Craig admitted as he adjusted the unfamiliar tie.

"Come on. It's time."

Craig let out another weary sigh and followed Jake from the pub. Steph was waiting outside for them, Jack at her side with his arm resting lightly on her shoulder. Her simple black dress gave her an elegant air and her make up hid the worst of the red puffiness from around her eyes. Craig smiled a half-smile as he looked as his sister. For the first time in his life he thought she looked beautiful. What a day to finally achieve that.

---

The church felt cold and oppressive as Craig sat on the front pew with his siblings and stepfather. Every so often Craig would look around in the hope of seeing a certain face but it never arrived. He didn't know why he should have expected it but part of him had at least hoped that his father would have been there today. Then again his children had long since learned that you could never rely on Johno Dean for anything.

The church was filled with flowers, too filled, they were everywhere Craig looked and the sight of them nauseated him. Lilies. Why did it have to be lilies? And why so many? Craig could feel the scent of the flowers clawing at his throat and he fought back the urge to vomit. Their stench was overpowering, a sickly sweetness that reminded him of rotting fruit. He shuffled in his seat, wishing he could be anywhere else but where he was.

Steph gripped onto his hand tightly and as he looked at her he could see large tears forming in his sister's eyes.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was too soon. Much too soon.

Craig let his eyes fall to his feet. He couldn't bear to look at the front of the church, couldn't stand seeing that cold hard wooden box sitting there or the picture by its side, all covered in flowers, still more flowers.

With a cough the vicar took to the pulpit.

"'I am the resurrection and the life,' says the Lord. 'Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.'" The vicar's words sounded cold and empty to Craig and he tried to tune them out.

"We are here today," the vicar continued in a solemn tone, "To celebrate the life of Frankie Osbourne…"

Craig fought the urge to laugh. Celebrate? What was there to celebrate? He was 20 years old and the world had decided to take his mother from him. There had been so many things he had never said, never done and now he would never have the chance.

A rush of guilt washed over Craig as he hung his head in shame. Since leaving for Dublin Craig had never managed to make it home to visit his mother. There had always been a good reason of course, except that there hadn't. What there had always been was a good excuse. Yes, he had telephoned, but more and more that had been out of duty rather than desire, and now he need never worry about calling his mother again. She would never be there to receive his calls. She would never be there to worry when he didn't call, or didn't write. Quite simply she would never be there.

"Craig," Steph nudged her younger brother and nodded to the front of the church.

"Craig," The vicar said gently, "I understand you wanted to do a reading?"

Craig had been so caught up in his own thoughts that he hadn't heard the first time the vicar said his name and he got to his feet with an embarrassed flush as he moved to the front of the church.

Keeping his eyes fixed on the piece of paper in his hands Craig began to read.

"Do not stand at my grave and weep.  
I am not there I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow  
I am the diamond glints on snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain  
I am the… I am the…"

Craig's voice cracked and the tears that he had held back for the last three days poured from him. His vision blurred and his hands trembled. He couldn't carry on but nor could he move.

The young dark haired man stood at the front of the church and broke down. He felt like a child, lost and alone and without a mother to rescue him.

The congregation shuffled in their seats in a mixture of sympathy and discomfort. All but one.

Craig felt a comforting arm around his shoulders as they shook with heavy sobs and a strong voice continued the reading.

"I am the gentle autumn rain.  
When you awaken in the morning hush  
I am the swift uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circled flight  
I am the soft stars that shine at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry.  
I am not there, I did not die."

Wiping the tears from his cheeks Craig lifted his face to see the warmth of two reassuring blue eyes looking down at him.

"John Paul," Craig said in a whisper.

"Come on," John Paul replied, his arm still tight around Craig's shaking shoulders as he led the man back to his seat.

Steph shuffled along the pew allowing John Paul to sit beside her brother and John Paul smiled at her in thanks.

Craig reached for John Paul's hand, seeking comfort in his grasp and holding on as if he might never let go again.

"How… what… why are you here?" Craig whispered in quite bewilderment. He hadn't spoken to the young McQueen since they day they parted at the airport and as much as he had longed for him so many times, as much as he had wanted him there that day he hadn't felt he had the right to ask.

"Jake called," John Paul told him, "He said you needed me…"

"I did," Craig agreed looking at his older brother and smiling his gratitude, "I do."

---

The railing was cold under Craig's hands but he gripped it tightly as he looked out across the darkening sky. The day seemed to be dragging on indefinitely and it was wearing him down.

After the funeral everyone had retired to the Dog for the wake and Craig found himself smiling blankly at face after nameless face as a stream of mourners passed on their sympathies. There were times when Craig wanted to scream in their faces. Hypocrites. He knew for a fact that half the people there didn't even like Frankie, but now it seemed everyone had been her best friend, and they were all gushing about what a wonderful woman she had been and how much she would be missed.

Well Craig knew the truth. There were times when she hadn't been a wonderful woman. There were times when she could be a total bitch. But she was his mother, had been his mother, the only one he was ever going to have and now she was gone. The last thing he needed right now were these fakes.

His frustrations had finally driven Craig outside, where he stood breathing in the cool, still air and the gentle solitude.

"You OK?"

Jake leant against the railing beside his younger brother and smiled. It was a pained forced smile, one that Craig recognised all to well, the same one he had been using all day.

"Oh you know…" Craig replied and Jake nodded, he did know.

There had been times when all the Dean children had had run ins with their mother, but deep down they always knew she loved them, just like they always loved her and her absence would leave a terrible hole in their lives.

"Thank you," Craig said suddenly.

"For what?"

"Calling John Paul."

Jake smiled, this smile a little more sincere than the last. "Look Craig, I'm never gonna pretend what you and him had… but I knew you couldn't go through this on your own… and there's only so much support me and Steph can give you right now… I didn't even have to think twice about who you needed here."

"That means a lot Jake, really… Having him here… it has made it… not easier… bearable I guess…"

"I'm glad," Jake squeezed his brother's hand affectionately, "He's a decent bloke, I know that… suppose I always knew that… I might not be comfortable with…" Jake shrugged, "You know… but I'm glad he showed up for you."

As if on cue John Paul approached, two bottle of lager in his hands, one that he handed to Craig.

"I'll leave you to it…" Jake said before turning to head back inside. For a second his eyes locked with John Paul's and a new understanding seemed to pass between them. They might never learn to be friends or manage to agree on matters but they did share one common bond. They both loved Craig.

"How you doing?" John Paul asked as he took his place beside Craig.

"Sick of people asking how I am," Craig replied.

"Fair enough… so d'you see the football last night?" John Paul smiled a deep reassuring smile that touched at Craig's very soul and Craig let out a small laugh.

"Seriously Craig," John Paul continued, "It's just coz people are concerned about you… because we love you."

"We?"

John Paul smiled and rested his hand lightly on top of Craig's as he took a slow drink from his bottle, they both new he didn't need to answer that one.

The two men stood together in silence. The air around them was growing colder but neither felt the inclination to move. As the night wore on the mourners slowly filtered their way from the pub, leaving it empty and desolate.

"Why did it happen John Paul?" Craig asked after some time. His voice was low, hardly a whisper, but the pain in it was deep and heavy.

"I don't know," John Paul replied truthfully, "It was just an accident."

"But why her? Why then? She'd been up and down those stairs a million times…" Craig voice broke with a small sob and John Paul slipped a comforting arm around his friend's shoulders.

"Jake said she fell… there's nothing anyone could have done…"

"I could have been here... I was so far away…"

"It wouldn't have helped Craig, you know that… and you know how proud she was that you got into Trinity…"

Craig pressed his face into John Paul's chest, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs as John Paul held him tightly.

He felt so useless, his wished so much that he could take away Craig's pain but he couldn't. All he could do was be there for his dearest friend and hold him.

The truth was there had been times when John Paul had hated Frankie. There had been times when he had silently wished she would just go away and die. But now, in the reality of the situation, his heart broke over Craig's grief and the grief he saw in the eyes of Jake, Steph and Jack. John Paul might not have been Frankie's biggest fan but these people had loved her and now she was gone. He could only imagine how that would feel and he felt blessed that he knew Myra was still there whenever he needed her.

Craig wiped his eyes and sniffled back the tears. He felt drained and the eyes that looked at the beautiful face of John Paul McQueen were hidden behind dark rings of exhaustion.

"You should get some sleep," John Paul said, running his hand softly over Craig's hair, "Go on, I'll call you tomorrow."

Craig looked towards the pub and then back at John Paul. "Not there," he said in a pained whisper, "I can't… wherever I look she's… Please John Paul… Can I stay with you?"

John Paul hesitated. For the last year he had lived in a shared house with two other students, and although he knew they would not object to him bringing someone home, they never had before, he wasn't sure it was a good idea. Not for him and not for Craig.

"Please…"

Craig's eyes were wide, pleading with John Paul and he felt powerless to refuse.

"Course you can," John Paul said, "You gonna tell Jake where you've gone?"

"Nah, he knows I'll be OK… he knows I'm with you."

---

John Paul stood in his bedroom, shuffling awkwardly as Craig perched on the edge of his bed. He had dreamed so often of bringing Craig back to that room, but not under these circumstances.

Craig looked around the room and smiled. It was so reminiscent of John Paul's room back at the McQueen's, so many familiar pictures adorned the walls and, beside the bed, one picture was more familiar than all the others.

"We look so young," Craig said as he picked up the picture frame, smiling at the two young men in school uniforms, arms around each other in a friendly hug.

"Seems like a lifetime ago," John Paul agreed as he took the picture from Craig's hand.

John Paul had hidden that picture away so many times. Tucked it in the back of a drawer only to get it out again a few days later. There were days when he couldn't bare to see it and days when he couldn't bare not to. The memory of those two smiling young men haunted him. Just like the memory of Craig haunted him. Some things you were never free of and some things you didn't want to be.

"Get some rest Craig," John Paul said as he replaced the picture on his bedside cabinet, "I'll sleep on the sofa."

"Don't," Craig grabbed for John Paul's arm, "Stay with me… please."

"Craig I don't think that's a good idea…"

"Please John Paul, don't leave me alone… not tonight."

John Paul's heart went out to the hurting broken man on his bed and he nodded. "I'll stay," he said quietly, what else could he do?

John Paul tried his best not to watch as Craig slipped out of his suit, letting the garments fall into a heap on the bedroom floor until he was completely naked. John Paul's fingers itched to stroke at that firm soft skin and to pull that body into his arms and love it. Instead he threw a t-shirt to Craig before taking off his own suit and slipping on a similarly shaped top.

Craig sighed as he nestled his head against John Paul's chest, John Paul's arms wrapping around him and keeping him safe.

For the first time since receiving that phone call from Jake, since getting on the plane in Dublin, Craig felt some peace. John Paul's embrace comforted him and, as his heavy eyes drooped closed, the much-needed release of sleep took him over.

John Paul kissed the top of the sleeping man's head as a single tear ran down his cheek. He still loved Craig so much, he always would, and seeing him so distraught broke his heart. But that wasn't the only pain he was feeling. John Paul knew that in a few days, a few weeks, or however long it took, Craig would be gone again. Craig would return to Dublin and his life there, and John Paul would be left without him. And, as selfish as he knew it was, that was the pain that hurt him deepest.


	2. Chapter 2

Craig awoke slowly, stretching his limbs under the warmth of the duvet. For a moment he was wrapped in the blissful ignorance of semi-consciousness and then the memories returned, and the all too familiar wrench of grief tore at his chest. Rubbing at his eyes Craig at least felt rested. He hadn't slept properly, if at all, since he had learned of his mother's death. In fact he hadn't slept well since he first left Chester, but somehow the comfort of John Paul's arms had given him the peace he needed.

Raising himself in the bed Craig noticed he was alone and wondered how long John Paul had been gone. Climbing from the bed Craig pulled on his trousers and, leaving on the t-shirt he had slept in, he went in search of that blue-eyed boy.

John Paul had woken a couple of hours earlier and lain motionless for some time happy to watch Craig sleep. Having Craig in his arms again felt like a dream but John Paul knew it was far from that; if anything it was closer to a nightmare. But as Craig slept, his features relaxed and content and so far removed from the anguished young man of the previous day, John Paul felt himself falling in love all over again. And he wished with every fibre of his being that he wasn't.

Carefully slipping his arm from under Craig's body John Paul crept quietly from his bed and quickly dressed in the first pair of jeans he could find before tiptoeing from the room. Just before he closed his bedroom door John Paul threw a last glance at the sleeping figure in his bed and quickly wiped away the tear that tumbled down his cheek.

"Morning John Paul," Linda chirped happily.

"Morning," John Paul replied less enthusiastically as he took a seat at the kitchen bench that also doubled as a table.

"I heard voices in your room last night," Linda said with a grin.

"It's was Craig…"

"Oh are you and he…?" Linda took a seat next to John Paul and tilted her head to listen.

John Paul smiled. He had been sharing the house with Linda and another friend for around a year now and considered the pretty, chubby blonde a good friend. In fact a few month's earlier they had spent a drunken night in each other's company that had ended in John Paul telling her all about Craig before crying in her arms until he fell asleep. That night had strengthened their friendship and John Paul was grateful for that fact, as he needed someone to confide in right now.

"Nah he just needed a friend," John Paul said with regret.

"You sure that's all it was?"

"That's all it can be…"

"But that's not all you want?"

John Paul sighed and rested his head in his hands. "You know how I feel about Craig but…"

"But?"

"We tried already… and we failed… besides he's only back coz of what happened to his mum… it's not like he came back for me is it Lin? We hadn't even spoken before yesterday…"

Linda covered John Paul's hand with her own. She hated seeing her friend like this. John Paul McQueen was the most sensitive, gentle and genuine man she had ever known and, if the truth were told, she cursed the gods every day that he was gay. Seeing him suffering broke her heart. The last time she had seen that pain in his eyes had been after three bottle of red wine and an outpouring about is doomed relationship with Craig Dean.

"So talk to him eh?" Linda encouraged.

"And say what Lin? Hey Craig, sorry you mum's dead… how about a quickie before you get off back to Dublin." John Paul's voice dripped with sarcasm and Linda snatched back her hand.

"I was only trying to help," she said in a hurt tone.

"I'm sorry," John Paul grabbed Linda's hand, his blue eyes shining with remorse, "I don't know what I'm saying… it's just… Craig… him being here… it messes with my head."

"Seriously John Paul… talk to him… have you ever thought this is just as hard for him… more so even… he's lost his mum and the only person he seems to be able to turn to is you… what does that tell you?"

"I love him Lin," John Paul said with a sigh.

"I know that," Linda replied slipping from her stool and wrapping her arms around John Paul as she leant into his back. "But does he?" Pressing a kiss to John Paul's cheek Linda left the room and left John Paul to think.

---

Craig stood in the doorway of the kitchen silently observing his old friend, his old lover. John Paul was still sat where Linda had left him some time ago and his hands were huddled around a mug of tea.

Craig let his eyes roam over John Paul. That man always raised so many mixed emotions in him. Since leaving for Dublin Craig had loved and hated John Paul in equal measure. And now? And now he just needed him.

John Paul's head snapped around as he felt himself being watched.

"Craig!" John Paul felt a flush rise to his cheeks and he jumped down from his stool, rushing to the kettle to hide it. "Tea?"

"Yeah… great…"

John Paul made himself busy preparing the drink as Linda's words churned around in his head… "talk to him…"

"Look Craig," John Paul turned back into the room and was startled to see Craig stood close behind him.

"John Paul…" Craig was so close John Paul could feel the heat from his breath and it made his heart race. "Thanks for yesterday," Craig carried on, touching a hand to John Paul's arm, "I couldn't have got through it without you…"

"I'm always here for you Craig," John Paul replied watching the hand that gently stroked his arm, "You know that…"

"I miss you." Craig took a step forward.

"Craig don't." John Paul tried to retreat but the kitchen surface prevented him.

"We had something good once…" Craig took another step forward, leaving little room between his body and John Paul's.

"Had Craig… past tense…"

"It doesn't have to be…"

"Craig stop… please… if you don't mean this please stop…"

Craig hesitated. In his head it had seemed so simple. He needed John Paul; he needed the warmth and the comfort of another human body. He needed to feel alive again. What he didn't need was to hurt John Paul or himself any more.

"I'm sorry." Craig's eyes filled with tears as he stepped back.

"It's OK," John Paul reassured him, "It's just the grief, I understand… really I do."

John Paul pulled Craig into his arms and held him close as Craig's body shook with fresh sobs.

"Everything will be OK," John Paul whispered into the weeping man's hair, "I promise… everything will be OK."

---

John Paul was curled on the sofa sobbing into his arms when Linda entered the room. She raced to the man's side immediately, kneeling on the floor beside him.

"John Paul, what is it? What's happened?"

"I can't do it Lin… I tried and I can't…"

"John Paul tell me… what?"

John Paul lifted his face from his arms, his eyes were red and blood shot and Linda could tell he had been crying for some time.

"What's happened?" She asked again gently.

"I can't just be his friend… I want to… I want to be able to support him and comfort him and be there for him… really I do… but it hurts too much… it hurts too much…"

"Oh John Paul… you knew this wasn't gonna be easy…"

"But I didn't know it would be this hard," John Paul fought back fresh sobs as he looked at his friend, "Lin he… he…"

"What? Tell me John Paul… please tell me…"

"For a minute… just for a minute he wanted me again… like he used to… and god Lin it felt so good… for that spilt second it was us again like it used to be… and I could have..."

"But you didn't?"

John Paul shook his head. "No… coz it wasn't me he wanted… not really… he just wanted someone… I could have been anyone…"

"I'm sure that's not true…"

"No? So how come he backed off the second I called him on it eh?" John Paul rubbed his hands roughly over his face. "God Lin I'm such a shit…"

"Don't say that John Paul… of course you're not."

"Then what I am eh? My best friend… the best friend I have ever known in my whole life is devastated coz his mum's just died and what am I doing… I'm sat here feeling sorry for myself coz he doesn't want me anymore…"

"John Paul…" Linda slipped her arm around the blonde man's neck and hugged him, "What Craig is going through is awful… we all know that… but it doesn't mean that your feelings stop mattering… it doesn't mean what you feel is any less important…"

"I can't…" John Paul got to his feet, "I've gotta get out of here…"

"You can't leave him here."

"He's exhausted, he's sleeping… tell him… tell him I had something I needed to do…"

"John Paul!"

"I'm sorry Lin… I can't handle it… it's too much… I can't stand how much I still love him… I can't be what he needs… I can't…"

John Paul grabbed his jacket as he raced from the house.

He didn't hear Linda trying to call him back.

He didn't hear his bedroom door quietly close.

He didn't hear the stifled sob coming from his room.

---

Craig hadn't meant to listen in to John Paul's conversation but the voices had invaded his fitful sleep and once he realised what he was listening to he couldn't stop.

With one hand pressed on the cool wood of the doorframe Craig stood listening to the voices from another room.

John Paul's words were heavy, coming between anguished sobs and the girls voice, Linda's voice, rang with sympathy for her friend's pain.

"Oh John Paul…" Craig whispered as John Paul retold their encounter in the kitchen earlier.

John Paul had seemed so strong when he had held Craig earlier, when he had promised everything was going to be OK. Craig hadn't even guessed at the pain that he was hiding. He hadn't realised how hard his being around would be for John Paul. Craig needed a friend and it had seemed obvious that that friend should be John Paul. But they hadn't been just friends for a long time. They hadn't been anything for a long time. Craig realised how selfish he was being by pushing himself back in John Paul's life like this. His grief had clouded his judgement but he could see clearly now. John Paul had given him the strength to see clearly. He had no right to crash back into John Paul's world, to hold him and want him when they both knew it couldn't be. When they both knew that soon Craig would be gone again.

"I can't stand how much I still love him…" John Paul's words cut into Craig's soul. Pushing the bedroom door closed fresh tears fell from Craig's eyes in a hushed sob.

Dropping the t-shirt he had been wearing onto the bed Craig pulled on his shirt from the previous day and, after searching for a pen and paper, he composed a short note to John Paul.

"Dear John Paul

Words cannot say how much it means that you were there for me yesterday. After everything we went through to know that you are still there when I need you most, to know that you would care enough to come when Jake called, I thank you so much for that John Paul, you'll never know how much.

But it's best that I get back to Dublin now, I can't miss too much of my studies and being here, being with you, it's gonna make it harder and harder to go back… that I got into Trinity meant so much to mum, I can't let her down… I won't let her down.

I know I should stay to say goodbye but I can't. The last time we said goodbye was hard and I'm not strong enough to go through that again.

But there is one thing I need you to know. One thing that I need you to understand about this morning.

I still love you John Paul. For every hour of every day since I left Chester I have never stopped loving you. And what I did this morning, you were right, it was born out of grief more than anything, but that need, the need to be held and to be loved, that need was for you… only for you.

You were right to stop me though, whatever we might feel I think we both know that what we had is gone and to put ourselves through it again, to open ourselves up to that again, I don't think either of us need that.

Thank you John Paul, thank you for everything… thank you for caring.

Love always

Craig"

Craig folded the paper and wrote John Paul's name on the front. Taking one last look around the room, he rested the note against the picture of two old school friends and then he walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

John Paul sat on the cold stone bench opposite the familiar statue that occupied the fountain in the centre of the village. He didn't know what always brought him to this place to think. It wasn't especially secluded, with the shops and Il Gnosh only a matter of feet away, but there was something soothing about the location, and the ever all knowing expression on the statue's regal face.

Closing his eyes John Paul could picture Craig with perfect clarity. It was almost like looking at a photograph. But where a photograph could only ever capture the image of the man and John Paul could recall so much more. The way his mouth used to curve into a soft smile when John Paul said that he loved him, the intoxicating cries of pleasure when they touched each other, the warmth of his embrace, the smell of his skin, the sound of his heart beating when John Paul rested against his chest so many things that made Craig the person that he was, the person that John Paul had fallen for so long ago.

John Paul smiled to himself as he replayed the first time they met. Not that he hadn't already known who Craig Dean was. The whole school knew who the Dean's were, Sonny Valentine had made sure of that, just as he was determined to make sure that Craig's final year at the school would be as unpleasant as possible.

"If you're looking for the way out this isn't it." The first words John Paul had ever spoken to the young man who would change his life irrevocably. He would never know what prompted him to address Craig that day. Why he felt the need to talk to the outcast. Or maybe that fact that he was an outcast was what spurred John Paul on. A shared understanding of how it felt to never quite fit in, to never be one of the crowd. Once Craig became a part of his life John Paul had never worried about such things again. He didn't need the crowd when he had Craig in his life. He didn't need anyone if he had Craig.

"Do I know you?" Craig had asked and John Paul simply shrugged his shoulders. "No idea."

Neither of them could have ever known what a difference that brief exchange would make to their lives. What a friendship would be borne from such a simple beginning, or what a love.

John Paul looked into the face of the statue hoping for inspiration, or answers, but her expression was unmoving. What cared she for the feelings of these people? Their lives were so transient and fleeting and she had all of eternity to watch over.

When John Paul had been told of Frankie's death he hadn't know how to react or how to feel. How should you feel about the death of someone who never hid the fact that they didn't like you? Someone who resented you simply for who you were and for who you loved. But at the same time John Paul's thoughts were for Craig and he could feel his old lovers pain. He knew how much Craig loved his mother, despite everything, how much her understanding and acceptance mattered to him. John Paul also knew how the fact that she never could quite understand or accept Craig's feelings had hurt him deeply. It broke John Paul's heart to realise that Craig would never be able to resolve these issues with her now. She would never hold her son and tell him that whoever he loved didn't matter because she still loved him. Craig would never find that peace and he would always be left wondering.

John Paul sighed as he rubbed his hands over his face. Falling in love with Craig Dean had been the best and worst thing in his life and walking away from Craig that day had been his best and worst decision.

"I couldn't have got through it without you…"

"I miss you."

"We had something good once…"

Craig's words seemed to echo around John Paul's head, pulling at him, trying to tell him something that he couldn't quite hear.

"I'm always here for you Craig, you know that…"

The realisation struck John Paul so hard that it made him physically gasp as if he'd been punched.

---

"Craig… what are you doing?" Jake stood in the doorway of the bedroom that had once been Craig's and had then successively belonged to a series of Frankie's foster children.

"Packing," Craig replied, "What does it look like?"

"Yeah I see that," Jake sighed, "But why?"

"It makes it easier to carry my stuff back to Dublin!"

"Funny," Jake replied in a tone that suggested anything but humour, "And you're doing it now why?"

"I've gotta get back Jake."

"Already? For Christ's sake Craig, we only buried our mother yesterday in case you'd forgotten…"

"Of course I hadn't forgotten," Craig snapped.

"Sorry," Jake said apologetically, "But you can't go yet Craig…"

"I don't see why not… what's there to stay for?"

"Me… your sister… we're all suffering Craig… we need to be here for each other right now…"

"But I can't stay… I can't handle…" Craig's words froze on his tongue and Jake's eyes widened in recognition of the look on his little brother's face.

"It's HIM isn't it?" Jake snarled punching his hand against the door, "Why does everything always have to come back to him? Our mother dies and your main concern is HIM. God I should never have called him…"

"No!" Craig grabbed his brother's fist, "It's not John Paul… really… I'm glad you called him… I needed him there yesterday."

"So if it's not him then why are you in such a rush to get back to Dublin eh?"

Craig let go of his brother's hand with a defeated sigh. If he admitted that he was running from John Paul that would only cause more resentment between his brother and the man he loved. On the other hand if he could offer no real reason why he needed to leave Hollyoaks so fast what was he supposed to do?

"I'm not I guess," Craig said as he slowly started to lift his belongings from his case. It's not like he had to see John Paul again. He could stay in the flat; no one would think that strange, not at a time like this.

But was it really possible to be in Hollyoaks and keep away from John Paul. Could he manage not to seek out the comfort of those soft blue eyes and strong warm arms? The answer was he had to. John Paul deserved better than for Craig to start something he couldn't see through, no matter how much he wanted it… no matter how much he needed it.

---

"Hey Craig I…" John Paul walked into his bedroom to find it empty. Craig hadn't been in the living room or kitchen so he had assumed the man was still sleeping. The cool t-shirt thrown onto the bed suggested that Craig hadn't been sleeping there for a while.

"Where have you gone?" John Paul whispered under his breath, about to leave the room until he spotted a note leaning against that photo.

John Paul's hands shook slightly as he picked up the folded piece of paper, reading Craig's words slowly to himself, reading Craig's goodbye.

John Paul held his breath as Craig's words filled his mind, as Craig words clawed at his heart.

"I still love you John Paul." Five words stood out on the paper as if illuminated with neon lights. One sentence that told John Paul the thing he had dreamed of and the thing he had dreaded.

"Oh Craig…" John Paul sighed as he sank onto his bed.

"Everything OK?" Linda's voice asked from the doorway.

"He's gone," John Paul replied, holding out the letter for his friend to read.

"He still loves you then?" Linda said after reading Craig's note and handing it back.

"It seems so."

"Shouldn't that be good news?" She asked sitting on the bed beside him.

"I don't know… it'd be easier if he didn't… but…"

"But you're glad he does?"

"Yeah," John Paul turned his sad aqua eyes to his friend. "You know what," John Paul continued, "I came back to tell him I'd be here for him as long as he needed me… I'd been so scared about how I was feeling… about how much I still wanted him that I'd missed what was really important…"

"And that is?"

John Paul sighed wistfully. "You know before everything," he said with a sad smile running over his lips, "Before everything happened… before me and him were… we were mates Lin… he was the best mate I'd ever known, HAVE ever known… Even before I realised I was in love with him I still loved him, you know, HIM, the person… I don't think I'll ever find that kind of friendship again and I… I wanted him to know that I was here for him… HIS FRIEND was here for him… never mind anything else…"

"So tell him then," Linda reasoned patting John Paul's hand affectionately.

"But he's gone…"

"So go after him…"

"To Dublin?"

Linda sighed in exasperation. "John Paul really! How long ago d'you think he left here? Ten minutes? Twenty? Has he really had time to get back to the Dog, pack, book a flight, get to the airport and fly back to Dublin?"

John Paul's eyes widened in foolish surprise as the logic of her words sank in.

"He's still here?"

"I would imagine so…"

"I can still talk to him?"

"Err Yeah!"

There was a pause as John Paul felt a long missed smile tug at the corners of his mouth.

"Well?" Linda asked in annoyance.

"What?"

"Are you going or are you gonna sit there grinning like an idiot?"

John Paul jumped to his feet with a laugh.

"You're an angel d'you know that?" he said grabbing Linda's face and pressing a firm kiss to her lips.

"Yeah I know… don't know what you'd do without me," Linda laughed, "Now get the hell out of here!"

Linda was still laughing as John Paul ran from the room. Touching her fingers to her lips for a second she savoured the memory of John Paul's kiss.

"Why are the best ones always gay?" She asked the empty room. As she got up from the bed her eyes came to rest on the photo of the two young school friends. Linda closed her eyes in a silent prayer that her friend would find whatever it was he was looking for with that dark haired boy.

---

"Hey…"

Craig's head snapped around at the sound of a voice in the doorway. He had been so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn't heard the door opening.

"John Paul!"

"Steph let me up… hope that's OK?"

"Err yeah… course…"

Craig shuffled in his seat as John Paul approached, knocking the photo album he had been looking at to the floor.

"I thought I might have missed you," John Paul said sitting on the sofa next to Craig, close but not too close, not close enough that they might accidentally touch.

"Sorry?" John Paul's sudden appearance in the flat had left Craig feeling flustered, it seemed his idea of avoiding the beautiful blonde man wasn't going to work as easily as he had planned.

"I got your letter," John Paul said, "You're going back to Dublin?"

"Oh, right, yeah… err... I'm not… not just yet anyway…"

"I'm glad." John Paul fought the urge to take Craig's hand.

"Are you?"

"Of course… why wouldn't I be?"

Craig's eyes were heavy and sad as they looked at John Paul as if they were holding in all the grief of the world.

"I heard you," Craig said quietly.

"Heard me what?" John Paul asked as, without any conscious thought, he moved a little closer to his friend.

"This morning… I heard what you were saying to Linda…"

"Oh…"

"Look John Paul I… I don't… I don't want to be the reason you're hurting… not any more, there's been too much of that between us… that's why I thought it would be better if I went back to Dublin."

"Oh Craig," John Paul looked deep into the sad soft eyes before him and he knew he had made the right decision in coming after Craig, "D'you really think where you are makes any difference? It doesn't matter if you're in Hollyoaks or on the other side of the world… you'll always be here," John Paul pressed his hand to his heart as he spoke, "And I wouldn't have it any other way…"

"Really?" John Paul's eyes shone the brightest blue Craig had ever seen and he felt the warmth from their gaze.

"Really," John Paul assured his friend.

John Paul's eyes flicked down to the photo album at Craig's feet.

"Is that you?" he asked with a laugh as he looked at a picture of a young boy in a school uniform.

Craig picked the album up with a smile. "Yeah," he replied with a grin, "First day at school."

John Paul looked at the picture of the young boy and could already see the developing beauty that would grow into the man he loved.

"You really were a cutie," John Paul teased, "Just look at those eyelashes!"

Craig laughed, "Steph used to threaten to cut them off in my sleep… she said it wasn't fair for a boy to have such long lashes!"

"I'm glad she didn't," John Paul said, looking again into the rich chocolate eyes, still framed by gloriously long lashes.

Craig ran his hand over the picture of the young boy he had once been. "I was so proud that day in my new school uniform," he sighed wistfully, "And my mum was proud of me too…"

"I bet she was…"

"I wish she'd always been proud of me…"

"Craig she was…"

Craig shook his head sadly. "She was ashamed of me."

"Craig no," John Paul ignored the warnings in his head and took a gentle hold of Craig's hands, "Your mum loved you… she might not have understood… but she was never ashamed…"

"There were times… she couldn't even bare to look at me…"

"Craig… it was all… it was a shock for her that's all… if you'd had more time before you had to go to Dublin… she would have got there… I promise…"

"You think?"

"I know…"

"Why couldn't she have been more like Myra… you were so lucky… your mum seemed to take it all in her stride…"

"It wasn't easy for her either you know," John Paul's eyes misted over as he recalled his own mother's struggle to accept her sons sexuality.

"No? It seemed to be…"

"There was this one time…" John Paul took a deep breath to hold back the tears of a long hidden pain, "Not long after I first came out we'd been in the kitchen, mum was making a trifle… and I'd said goodnight and gone to bed… then half way up the stairs I decided to get a drink but…" John Paul paused as the memories raced in his head, "When I got back to the kitchen I heard her crying… my mum, breaking her heart because of me," As John Paul blinked tears tumbled over his cheeks.

"You've never told me that," Craig said.

"I never told anyone… mum doesn't even know I heard her… I hated being the cause of that, of her hurting like that because of what I was. But it doesn't mean she didn't love me does it? Just like Frankie never stopped loving you… it's hard for them… knowing what we'd have to face… the prejudice… the hate sometimes… but I know Frankie was proud of you Craig… it was in her eyes every time she looked at you."

"Was it?"

"You were her baby… nothing was gonna stop her loving you…"

"I miss her so much…"

"I know you do…"

"Thank you John Paul…"

"What for?"

"Coming to see me…"

"Craig Dean I will be here for you whenever you need me… for as long as you need me." As he spoke John Paul slipped an arm around Craig's shoulders.

Craig rested his head wearily against John Paul. "What if I always need you?" he asked quietly.

"Then I guess I'll always be here," John Paul said kissing the top of Craig's head softly and holding him close.

---

The two men sat in a relaxed silence for some time. Craig's head leaning comfortably against John Paul's shoulder, taking solace in his presence, while John Paul's arms held Craig in a warm embrace. He knew that one day soon he would have to say goodbye to Craig again, and he knew how much it would hurt but moments like this, being able to be there for Craig, it made it all worth the pain that was to come.

"This is all very cosy." Craig leapt from John Paul's arms at the bitter voice behind them. "Didn't take you long did it McQueen?" Jakes voice cut the peace of the room into hostile ribbons.

"Jake don't…" Craig's voice was weary as he spoke.

"I though you said things were finished with you two… god I knew I shouldn't have called him…"

"Jake," Craig got to his feet and faced his brother, grateful to John Paul as he felt the man rise and stand beside him. "We're just friends… we're…" Craig paused and turned to look at John Paul. John Paul's eyes were such a delicate shade of sapphire and they looked at Craig with uncompromising adoration.

"You know what Jake," Craig said taking hold of John Paul's hand, "You're right… I still love him… and I don't really know what that might mean right now and I don't care… he's here coz I need him and coz he loves me… and if that's too much for you then I'm sorry, but I'm tired of trying to justify how I feel to you… come on John Paul."

Still holding John Paul's hand Craig marched confidently from the room, leaving Jake standing alone in the centre of the room.

"Oh hang on," John Paul said patting his pocket as they got to the bottom of the stairs, "I think I've left my phone on the sofa… I'll be right back…"

Not waiting for an answer John Paul sprinted back up to the flat.

"Jake…" John Paul's voice was hesitant as he faced Craig's older brother.

"What now?" Jake snarled at the young man who had changed Craig into someone he didn't know.

"Ease up on him eh?"

"Who the hell d'you think you are to tell me what to do?"

"I'm someone who cares about Craig, and I'm telling you… take it easy on him, he's been through enough." John Paul could feel Jake's anger as he confronted the man, but he had no intention of backing down, Jake had to understand how much his words were hurting his younger brother.

"And what? I don't care about him?" Jake asked taking an aggressive step forward.

"I never said that," John Paul replied calmly, "Jake he's just lost his mother… he doesn't need…"

"We've ALL just lost our mother," Jake interrupted.

"Exactly," John Paul replied, "Do either of you really need to lose a brother as well? He needs your support Jake, please don't turn your back on him…"

"But you two," Jake's anger faltered under a cloud of confusion, "I don't understand…"

"You don't have to understand," John Paul said kindly, "You don't have to approve, you don't have to like me – which is just as well eh? You just have to be his brother… let him know you still love him…"

"Of course I love him."

"So make sure he knows it yeah? He needs you to be there for him Jake, even more than he realises." John Paul squeezed Jake's arm before turning to leave the room.

"I just want him to be happy," Jake said to John Paul's back.

"So do I," John Paul replied as the door closed behind him.

"Find it then?" Craig asked as John Paul rejoined him at the bottom of the stairs.

"Hmm?"

"Your phone?"

"Oh right, yeah…" John Paul looked at Craig's knowing smile and laughed, "Didn't fool you for a second did I?"

"You are a terrible liar John Paul McQueen," Craig teased, "But thanks… I don't know what you said to him… but thanks…"

"You're welcome," John Paul smiled, "So where are we going?"

Craig shrugged. "Yours?"

"OK."


	4. Chapter 4

"You guys OK?" Linda looked up as John Paul and Craig entered the room and immediately saw the answer to her question. The boy's fingers were tightly entwined and Linda could see something in John Paul's eyes that hadn't been there the whole time she had known him. His eyes had always been the most stunning shade of blue that Linda had ever seen but now they looked different, they sparkled with life and something more, the only word she could find to describe it was happiness.

"Yeah," John Paul replied with a smile. He turned to Craig and touched his hand softly to the man's cheek, Craig's eyes closed for a second as he leant into the warmth of John Paul's touch. "Everything's fine."

Linda felt like she should look away, as if she were intruding on an intimate moment between the two men, but she was unable to tear her gaze from them, she couldn't recall ever seeing such contentment between two people before.

"Tea?" John Paul asked cheerfully as his hand fell from Craig's soft cheek.

"Lovely," Craig replied.

"Lin? Tea?"

"Yeah… yeah that'd be great."

John Paul looked at Craig for another few seconds before allowing his fingers to loosen their grip on Craig's and heading for the kitchen.

"Can't ever refuse one of John Paul's brews!" Linda said with a laugh as the dark haired man took a seat beside her.

"I know," Craig agreed, "I don't know WHAT he does… but no one ever makes tea as good as him."

"Look… err… Craig… I was… you know… sorry to hear about your mum."

"Thanks," Craig smiled at the pretty blonde girl; "Having John Paul around makes it easier."

"I'm glad… he… he thinks the world of you you know." Linda paused, not certain if she should say any more.

"Does he talk about me?"

"He didn't… not for a long time… but when he started," Linda let out a gentle laugh, "Well when he started I couldn't shut him up… it's nice to finally get to meet you… I just wish it could have been under better circumstances."

"I tried…" Craig looked to the door as if willing John Paul to come back, as if the man had been gone too long, "I tried to forget him… the whole time I was in Dublin, you know? But he's not that easy to forget… he's a part of me… I wish I'd realised that sooner… things could have been so different…"

Linda squeezed Craig's hand affectionately, she could see in his soft brown eyes the same longing and regret that she had witnessed in those bright blue eyes so often in the past.

"Here we go," John Paul said entering the room juggling three mugs of hot tea. He quickly placed the mug down on the table and blew at his burning fingers before smiling and handing the drinks out.

Craig cradled his drink against him, breathing in the hot steam and taking a small sip that burnt his mouth.

"Seems so long ago that I last had one of your teas."

"It was…" John Paul replied as he took the last empty space on the sofa.

The two men looked at each other over the edges of their mugs and once again Linda felt as if she were intruding, but neither man seemed overly concerned, or even that aware of her presence.

When John Paul had first poured his drunken heart out to Linda, telling her all the painful truths behind his relationship with Craig, all the lies and the deceits, her sympathies had naturally been with her friend. In her heart she had believed that Craig's professed love for John Paul had been a lie, another deceit to keep the man quiet so that Craig could take what he wanted without the fear of repercussions. Not that she had ever said as much to John Paul, instead she had nodded at the right places and held him when he cried over the love he had lost.

Seeing Craig now Linda realised how wrong she had been, how much she had misjudged him without ever meeting the man. The love the two men shared was apparent to anyone who cared to look and she felt a soft ache in her chest for her friend. How would John Paul cope when Craig left him again?

"Well that's me done," Linda said placing her empty mug on the table, "Some of us have a night out to get ready for… you boys be good."

"Have a good time Lin," John Paul replied with a smile, catching Linda's hand and squeezing it as she passed.

Linda caught another glimpse of the sparkle in John Paul's eyes and felt a pang of jealousy. As much as he might hurt in the days to come once Craig returned to Dublin how amazing must it be to feel such a love for someone. It was the kind of love Linda herself could only dream of.

"I will," she said as she left the room.

---

"She seems nice," Craig said, drinking the last drops of his tea with relish and setting aside the empty mug.

"Linda? Yeah she's great… sometimes I don't know what I would have done without her…"

"I'm glad…" Craig looked at John Paul, his soft brown eyes echoing the pain and loss that their parting had borne, "I'm glad you had someone here for you… someone on your side…"

"What about you?"

"Me?"

"Got anyone in Dublin… on your side?"

Craig shrugged. "Oh you know me… I'm picky about my friends!"

"Craig!" John Paul felt a pain at the thought of his friend so many miles away and alone. Completely alone.

"It's OK," Craig reassured him, "I mean there are people… people I get on with and that… but you know… no one close… I had this best mate once… no one's ever been able to compare."

John Paul's mug clattered against Craig's as he placed it on the table, his eyes never leaving the gaze of the man before him, the rich chocolate eyes that always looked deeper into him than anyone else had ever managed.

"John Paul?" Craig's voice was a hushed whisper.

"Hmm?"

"Kiss me…"

"Craig…"

"Please… I need..."

"Craig, we agreed… it's not a good time to go back there…"

"Just kiss me."

Craig's hand caressed lightly over John Paul's cheek making him sigh with longing as he turned his face into the warm hand, pressing his lips against the soft palm.

Their eyes fused together as their heads moved forward in unison, they both knew there was no stopping whatever happened next, even if they had wanted to.

Their lips met so gently, tentative and uncertain as they pressed together, mouths meeting again after so very long apart. John Paul's hand slipped behind Craig's neck, pulling the man closer as their kiss deepened, consuming them both with the love they had never been able to let go of.

Time froze in the miracle of their connection, the world stopped spinning and reality ceased to exist. For an all to brief moment nothing mattered but the two of them and the most perfect kiss that they had ever known.

As their lips parted both men sighed with regret, leaning their foreheads together to prolong the contact for a few minutes more.

"John Paul…" Craig's breath was warm against John Paul's face.

"Craig…" John Paul's voice was hushed and heavy with emotion.

"I can't lose another person that I love…"

---

John Paul's hands trembled as they held Craig. He could barely recall rising from the sofa or stumbling backwards into his bedroom. The only real clarity had been Craig's eyes and the way they burned into him. Craig's eyes pleading with him, wanting him, breaking down the resistance he had tried so hard to build until he could refuse no longer.

"Craig I don't think…" John Paul stammered in one last-ditch attempt to do 'the right thing'.

"Don't think," Craig whispered as he kissed John Paul with a gentleness that made the blonde man want to weep.

"I love you," Craig breathed as he covered John Paul's face with feather light kisses, "I love you."

John Paul's heart raced, pounding in his chest as it echoed Craig's words. But it wasn't that simple. Couldn't be that simple. Could it be that simple? Could the love they felt really be enough? Could they forget the past and move forward?

Craig clung to John Paul in desperation, afraid to let go, afraid that John Paul would walk away, he couldn't bare to lose the man, not this time and not again.

Earlier that day he had come to John Paul with a desire that stemmed from grief and from a need to feel, to feel anything that wasn't the pain in his chest. Now he kissed John Paul with a desire that grew from love and from his need to be with John Paul, to share his body with the man he loved and never be alone again.

Craig's hands gripped the edge of John Paul's jumper, pulling it over the man's head in one fluid motion and letting it fall to the floor unnoticed.

John Paul's skin was soft and pale, flawless as it glowed like alabaster under the stark light of the naked bulb. Craig's fingers touched gently at John Paul's chest, stroking the curves of his body, the power of his form.

John Paul stood motionless hardly breathing as Craig caressed him, making him appear like some striking statue, some great carving of a bygone era depicting strength and beauty, a figure worthy of great appreciation.

"I love you," Craig whispered again as he touched his lips to John Paul's warm skin.

With a finger under Craig's chin John Paul lifted the man's face to meet his gaze and saw tears welling in the depths of his chocolate brown eyes.

"Craig…" John Paul's heart ached, with love, with pain, with a hundred emotions that he had no words for, "I've always loved you."

Their mouths met again in a connection that ran far beyond just physical. As their lips touched together so did their souls and as their tongues entwined so did their hearts.

Clothing fell to the floor with little remark as hands touched flesh and lips touched skin in a need for the closeness of making love, of being together, of being alive.

John Paul's breath was hot as it sighed into Craig's mouth with pleasure. John Paul's sighs mingled with delicate moans as Craig's fingers curled around his growing erection. The feeling reminded John Paul of so many good times but also of so many bad ones. The memories of wanting Craig when he couldn't, of loving Craig when he shouldn't and of holding Craig when he mustn't. But as Craig whispered more declarations of love into his ear John Paul could also remember wanting Craig and being wanted, loving Craig and being loved and holding Craig and being held, and those memories were stronger, those memories meant more.

The weight of John Paul's cock in Craig's hand felt wonderful. Since leaving Chester he had never touched another man, never wanted to and he knew, without a single doubt that there could never be another man alive he would want to touch the way he wanted John Paul. Hearing the moans whispering from John Paul's lips made every inch of Craig's body tremble. Before John Paul he had never known, he had never known how love really felt, how giving pleasure could feel better that receiving it or how making another person smile could be enough to make him happy. Before John Paul Craig hadn't known how to feel. After John Paul he hadn't known how to stop. And now, older and wiser and still very much in love he had the chance to recapture those feelings, he had the chance to reclaim the love he had believed to be lost.

"Make love to me John Paul," Craig asked as he kissed the man's mouth firmly, tasting the richness of his lips and the warmth of his tongue.

"Craig…" The deep cobalt pools of John Paul's eyes shone with unconditional love and all of the defences he had spent so long constructing, the defences against love and against pain, fell away as he saw the love in his heart reflected back to him.

Craig lay back on the bed; the cool of the duvet cover under his back didn't register for a second. The heat of John Paul's eyes warmed him as they roamed over his body.

John Paul took in every inch of Craig's form. His eyes searching the body that he had come to know better than his own. Every curve and freckle, every muscle and sinew, everything that made up the man he had fallen for so very long ago. Everything was so much the same and yet everything was so different and John Paul knew it wasn't the way Craig looked that had changed so much as the way John Paul saw him. For so long John Paul had believed, or wanted to believe, that Craig was perfect but he had learned otherwise. Now John Paul could see Craig for what he was, who he was, a man flawed and imperfect but still beautiful. A man needing to be loved and deserving of that love and a man that John Paul couldn't see his future without.

Climbing slowly up the bed John Paul reached Craig's face and kissed it gently, his lips pressing onto Craig's eyelids, his cheeks, his nose and finally finding his mouth. Craig's arms pulled John Paul down onto him as they sank into the heat of their kiss, their naked bodies pushed tightly together until not an inch of space was between them.

The sound of their moans mingled in their mouths as their bodies ground together, their firm cocks rubbing together between their bellies making their hearts race and their chests heave.

"Make love to me John Paul," Craig said again, "I need you… I need to feel you…"

John Paul's hands cupped Craig's face as he pulled himself up to his knees, his hands slowly slipping away from the man's cheeks as he knelt between Craig's thighs.

Running his hand over the firmness of Craig's belly John Paul trailed his fingers over the length of the firm cock resting there, making it jump at the arousing touch.

Craig lay mesmerised as he watched John Paul slowly slip his fingers into his mouth, moistening them with his saliva as he pulled them from his lips glistening with the wet.

Raising Craig's legs John Paul pushed his damp fingers between the man's hot buttocks, seeking the seductive opening within, circling his fingertips against that tight entrance, teasing it with promises before finally pushing lightly against it until he was welcomed inside.

Craig gasped as John Paul's strong finger slid into him, reminding him of the pleasures he had so long forgotten, gasping and writhing in pleasure as John Paul sank his finger deeper, adding a second and then a third making Craig cry out as his body shook.

"Oh god John Paul I…" Craig's words failed him as the man made love to him with his hand, his fingers deep inside the tightness of Craig and his eyes glistening with a need for more.

Spitting into his palm John Paul stroked over his cock, coating it with his warm saliva before guiding it against Craig, replacing his fingers with something larger and firmer.

John Paul pushed gently against the tight ring of muscle that kept him from Craig until it relaxed and permitted him entrance.

Both men gasped as John Paul's cock sank into Craig's body. The heat enveloped it perfectly as John Paul moved deeper, pushing in slowly inch by inch as Craig relaxed more and more and urged John Paul deeper with him moans and sighs.

Craig's legs wrapped around John Paul's back as he bucked his hips, taking the final inch of John Paul cock into him and shuddering as it touched deep inside him.

"God Craig…" John Paul held himself stationary as he savoured the feeling of being completely consumed by Craig's gorgeous flesh. He had slept with other men since Craig had been gone but it had never felt this good, it had never been this perfect. He had only ever made love to Craig Dean, he only ever would.

Pulling back slowly John Paul moaned, his cock throbbing heavily inside Craig as he thrust back deep inside, starting a slow steady rhythm that soon had them both flushed and panting.

Craig rose up to meet each of John Paul's thrusts making them both cry out with each intense connection as the world faded from sight and the only reality became the two of them.

John Paul wrapped his hand around Craig's cock, stroking it firmly as he continued to move inside the man. His speed increasing second upon second as his desires rose inside him.

Craig's hands grabbed at John Paul as his head sank back into the pillow behind him, his eyes closed tightly and his mouth half open in silent moans. Arching his back as John Paul thrust harder into him Craig's body began to shudder and his cock throbbed heavily in John Paul's hand.

John Paul's brow was slick with sweat as he moved faster and faster, every inch of him shaking as the much-needed release raced towards him.

"Oh god… John Paul… god yes…" Craig's rich brown eyes opened wide as he pushed himself up hard to meet John Paul's firm thrusts, crying out as he came, his heat pouring from his cock and coating his belly.

"Craig… Craig… Craig…" John Paul repeated the name over and over as his climax screamed through his flesh and his cock pulsed heavily inside Craig, filling the man with the evidence of his lust.

The two bodies trembled violently with their shared orgasm until both men were spent and John Paul collapsed exhausted by Craig's side.

John Paul's chest heaved with heavy breaths as he turned his dazed expression to his lover. Craig's eyes shone with absolute adoration as he leant over John Paul to press a soft kiss to his lips.

"I love you," Craig said but it didn't really need saying, his eyes screamed those three words louder than his voice ever could.

"I love you too," John Paul replied as he pulled the man against his chest, holding him close until gentle dreams claimed them both.

---

Craig stretched in the warmth of the bed and sighed with contentment. Lying on his side he could feel the firmness of another body pressing against his back and an arm resting lightly over his waist. John Paul's body and John Paul's arm.

He smiled with happiness at the thought of being back in John Paul's life again after so long.

And then, as it did every morning, the crashing realisation hit him, the reason why he was back in Hollyoaks. Like every morning since he first found out Craig felt the sharp stab of grief as the memory of the loss of his mother returned to him. For the first few seconds of every morning was a moment of not knowing, of not remembering and that not knowing made the sudden awareness cut that much deeper. Holding his breath until the initial pain eased Craig reached for the comfort of John Paul's hand. Gripping it tightly he raised the hand to his mouth, gently kissing the long sensitive fingers.

"Morning," John Paul's voice mumbled in his ear.

Craig turned around to face his lover and smiled. John Paul's brilliant blue eyes sparkled as the remnants of sleep faded from them.

"I didn't think you were awake," Craig said quietly.

"Only just..."

The two men lay quietly, their heads resting on the softness of the pillows beneath as they looked into the beauty of each other's eyes.

Craig lifted his hand from underneath the duvet to touch against John Paul's soft cheek. John Paul sighed as he leant into the gentle touch. Waking up with Craig, being with Craig, it all felt so perfect and he wished it could always be this perfect.

"I've been thinking," Craig said as he continued to stroke the gentle curves of John Paul's face, "I'm gonna stay."

"Hmm? How d'you mean?"

"In Hollyoaks... I'm gonna stay... I'm leaving Trinity..."

"NO." John Paul sat bolt upright in the bed allowing the duvet to fall from his chest.

"What?" Craig replied with confusion.

"I said no..."

"John Paul you can't..."

"Craig NO..."

Craig took a deep breath as he reached for John Paul again. "I don't want to be without you any more... I thought..."

John Paul jumped from the bed, his hands planted firmly on his hips. Under other circumstances Craig would have found the stance rather erotic but as it was, the dark look that flashed in John Paul's eyes made him appear somewhat intimidating.

"Craig, you cant..."

"But... I... I want to be with you... I thought that's what you wanted too." Craig eyes glistened with confused tears.

"I do," John Paul replied, his hands falling from his hips as his bearing softened, "But Craig... you can't leave Trinity... it's been your dream since… since I've known you... it's the reason you re-took the year at school... hell it's the reason we met... Craig is was all you ever wanted…"

"You're my dream now," Craig reasoned, "YOU'RE all I want… all I need…"

"Craig… No… Just… Just No…"

"You can't keep saying No like that," Craig said sitting up in the bed, "I don't understand… I thought you would want this…"

"I do Craig, god you don't know how much I do… But no… you can't… we can't…"

"Give me one good reason," Craig challenged, "Go on… one reason why what you say is so right…"

"You want a reason… OK… Fine…" John Paul's eyes glowed with the battle that raged inside them, the desire to keep Craig with him and yet knowing it was the worst thing he could do.

Reaching into his bedside drawer John Paul pulled out a sheet of paper and threw it at Craig.

"There," John Paul said in a voice that bordered on anger, "There's your reason…"

Craig picked up the paper and frowned.

"My letter… I don't understand…"

"Was it lies Craig? What you wrote?"

"No… no of course it wasn't…"

"You sure?"

"John Paul please… I don't understand," Craig voice trembled and his eyes were heavy with unshed tears.

Taking the letter back from Craig John Paul looked at it with a poignant smile and read out the words that Craig had written.

"…that I got into Trinity meant so much to mum, I can't let her down… I won't let her down."

John Paul let the note fall from his fingers as he sank to the bed beside Craig. "I can't be the reason you let her down Craig… I can't…"

"John Paul…" Craig's hands shook as he reached for the blonde man that loved him so much.

"Oh Craig…" John Paul's eyes were filled with sadness as he looked at the beauty of the man in his bed, "I couldn't stand it if you ended up resenting me… blaming me for stealing your dream… for breaking your promise to Frankie… You can't stay Craig, as much as it breaks my heart to say it, you have to go back to Trinity."

"But John Paul I wouldn't resent you… I wouldn't…"

"Can you be sure Craig, really sure?"

Craig opened his mouth to say that he could but the words didn't come and he knew in his heart that John Paul was right.

John Paul's hands were warm and strong as they cupped Craig's face gently. "Go back to Dublin," John Paul said with a smile, "Finish Trinity… get your degree… make Frankie proud… make me proud… then come home… I'll still be here waiting?"

"You promise?" Craig asked in a whisper.

"I promise," John Paul replied with a tender kiss, "Always."

---

The streets of Hollyoaks seemed different that morning. The air felt fresher and smelt sweeter, the bird's chatter was a melodic chorus and the sun cast soft pools of light through the clouds, warming the two men as they stepped into the circles of light.

But the strangest and most wonderful change of all was walking through the streets of Hollyoaks holding Craig's hand.

There had been a time when John Paul had dreamed of such a thing. A time when he had dreamed of holding Craig's hand as naturally as any other couple that he passed on the streets. And there was a time that John Paul had relinquished that dream and accepted the reality that it would never happen.

Craig's hand squeezed John Paul's tightly as they approached the Dog.

It had seemed only natural for Craig to spend another night with John Paul but he also knew that he had to return home. He knew that Jake's words had been true. His brother and sister needed him just as much as he needed them. But he also needed John Paul and he hadn't had to ask twice for the blonde man to willingly accompany him.

"I was wondering when you'd get home," Jake was sat at the kitchen table as they entered the flat, his eyes flickered over the men's clasped hands but he made no comment.

"Steph not here?" Craig asked as he let released the support of John Paul to shrug off his jacket.

"She's over at Max's."

"Typical," Craig thought to himself, he comes home to spend time with his siblings to find only Jake there.

"I'm glad you're back," Jake was saying as Craig took John Paul's jacket from him and threw it over the back of the sofa, "There's something I want to show you…"

Craig's eyes were drawn to the items scattered over the table in front of Jake and he felt a chill run through him.

"That's mums handbag," Craig said in a pained whimper that had John Paul by his side in a heartbeat.

"I know… I was just… looking…."

Frankie's handbag, a familiar item that would be left on chair's or tables at random, a bag that would be rummaged through to produce a variety of products to make Frankie's day complete and a bag whose owner no longer had a use for it.

"I found this and I thought…"

Craig looked at Jake's outstretched hand and took a moment to comprehend what he was looking at. A small item made of soft black leather, slightly scuffed through many years of use, many years of love. He could still remember the Christmas that Steph had given their mother the purse, so many years ago now and it reminded him of another first they would have to get through. Their first Christmas without Frankie.

Craig took the purse from his brother with a shaky hand. "I don't…"

"Just look at it Craig…"

Craig frowned and turned the item over in his hands.

"Inside…" Jake explained.

For a second Craig turned his gaze to John Paul. The blonde man had been silent as the brothers talked and Craig found comfort in his constant unwavering presence, the support he knew would always be there.

Flicking the clasp on the purse Craig gasped, his hand covering his mouth as his eyes filled with tears.

"Craig what is it?" John Paul's hands reached protectively for Craig's shoulders, offering what comfort he could for a pain he, as yet, didn't understand.

Craig was still shaking as he handed the purse to John Paul.

John Paul couldn't help but smile at what he saw inside. Tucked behind a small plastic window was the photograph that Frankie Osbourne had kept with her until the day she died, a photograph of her youngest son.

The fact that Frankie had kept a picture of her son with her was no real surprise; the picture she chose however was another matter.

"I remember that day," John Paul said as he slipped an arm around Craig's shoulders.

"Me too," Craig replied with a slightly wistful sigh.

John Paul passed his thumb over the photograph of Craig, a lopsided smile playing across his lips as he modelled the tuxedo he had rented for an upcoming school dance. And by his side, dressed in an identical looking suit stood his best friend, their arms around each other at Frankie's insistence.

For a moment the echo of Frankie seemed to fill the room. Her laugh as she insisted the two boys move closer together, put their arms around each other, she had been so blissfully unaware of how difficult her request had been. How awkward the two young men had felt as they changed into their suits in Craig's room or how they had tried valiantly not to look at each other while they were doing so.

Craig couldn't help but wonder when Frankie had placed that picture inside her purse. Had it been soon after the photograph had been taken? If so Craig would have expected her to destroy it in disgust when she discovered the men's affair. Had it been slid behind its plastic screen only recently? And if that was the case why would Frankie have chosen that picture above all others, why a picture that included John Paul? Was it possible, even for a second that, despite everything, Frankie knew the two men would find each other again one day?

Slipping the picture from its housing Craig turned it over in his hands. Written on the back in Frankie's flowing script were the simple words "Craig and John Paul" but in Craig's eyes they said so much more.

"Maybe she wasn't ashamed of me," Craig whispered, almost to himself.

"What d'you mean?" Jake asked.

"Mum," Craig explained as he looked at his brother, "Maybe she wasn't ashamed of me after all…"

Jake looked towards John Paul with a frown and the blue-eyed man replied with a look that said, "that's what he thinks."

"Craig, no…" Jake said as he got up from his chair. John Paul dropped his arm from Craig and stepped out of the way. Taking a firm hold of his younger brother's shoulders Jake looked him squarely in his tear filled eyes. "You don't really think mum was ashamed of you do you?"

"You saw the way she was when she found out about me and John Paul… they way you were… she didn't even want to look at me… it was like I disgusted her… I disgusted both of you." As he spoke large teardrops began to tumble from Craig's eyes and Jake started to realised just how hard things had been for his baby brother, and how much harder he had made them.

"Oh Craig you idiot," Jake said as he pulled the weeping boy to his chest, "Mum thought the world of you… nothing was ever gonna change that… she didn't care if you slept with men, women or… or goats!" Craig chuckled against Jake's shirt. "She never shut up talking about you from the day you left for Dublin."

"Really?" Craig snuffled as he lifted his face from the warmth of his brother's chest.

"Really," Jake insisted, "She loved you Craig… we all love you…" Jake's eyes flickered towards the blonde man standing to the side and he was surprised to see tears in the pale blue eyes that were watching the brother's exchange.

"I'm sorry Craig," Jake said with genuine regret in his voice, "I never meant to make you feel…" Jake shrugged, he didn't really know how he had made his brother feel but he knew the younger man hadn't deserved it. "I said a lot of things I shouldn't have done and if I could take them back I would…"

"It doesn't matter…"

"Yes it does… there were so many things left unsaid between me and mum and I don't want to risk that with you… I won't lie to you Craig, I still don't understand what you and John Paul have, but if you're happy… really happy…"

"I am Jake, honestly, like you wouldn't believe."

"In that case I'll try my best to be more accepting… I'll stop being so damn judgemental… I don't want to lose my brother."

"You don't get rid of me that easily," Craig said with a tearful laugh as he hugged Jake close and in that hug he felt an acceptance that he never expected to get.

---

John Paul sat uncomfortably on the sofa as Craig busied himself making coffee.

Jake was pacing the room before he finally came to a stop in front of his brother's boyfriend.

"Look John Paul," Jake began in a hushed tone that was only for John Paul's ears, "I'm sorry OK?"

Jake stretched out a hand and John Paul clasped it firmly in a shake that he would never have anticipated in his life.

"Do me a favour," Jake continued as he took a seat next to the blonde man, "Look after him yeah?"

"As much as I can," John Paul promised, "But I can't do that when he gets back to Dublin."

"I half expected you to ask him to stay."

John Paul shook his head as he looked over to the gorgeous man pouring boiling water into two mugs. "He offered," John Paul said with a smile, "But for now… Dublin's where he belongs… I wouldn't take Trinity away from him… not for anything."

"You know I think I've misjudged you pretty badly…"

"Yeah you have… but let's forget it… it's in the past now… I'm more concerned about the future."

"You didn't want one did you Jake?" Craig asked as he walked to the men with two coffees in his hands.

"Nah I'd better get back to the bar, Darren will complain if I leave him alone when the lunch rush starts."

Squeezing his brother's shoulder Jake headed out of the room leaving Craig to sink onto the sofa besides John Paul.

"You OK?" John Paul asked with concern.

"I will be," Craig said actually believing his own words. "Will you do something for me John Paul?"

"Course I will… anything…"

"Will you come to the airport with me when I leave?"

"Did you really think I wouldn't?"

"Just checking."

Leaning back into the sofa the two men sipped at their drinks and gazed at the old photograph that Craig held against his knee. A picture of two friends, of two lovers and of two souls that would be forever connected.


	5. Chapter 5

It was still dark when John Paul woke up. As sleep clung to his mind he wasn't certain what it was that roused him. His room was still and silent and a hint of light crept through a gap in his curtains casting a minimal illumination over his familiar surroundings, making them look mysterious and eerie.

And then he realised what was wrong about the room, what was missing.

It was silent. Too silent. The only sound he could hear was his own soft breathing and, as he reached a hand out to his side his suspicions were confirmed, Craig wasn't there.

For the last five days Craig had spent every night in John Paul's bed. It hadn't been a conscious decision from either of them, more a natural progression of their relationship. Logic dictated that they should spend their nights together, there was no reason not to, not any more.

But as much comfort as Craig had found in the arms of his rescued love he still needed the support of his family and, while he would spend his nights at John Paul's, he spent his waking hours at the Dog. For day's siblings could be found browsing through photo albums and reminiscing about "the good times", laughing and crying in equal measure as they slowly came to terms with their loss.

At first John Paul had felt an intruder on this private grief and had tried to excuse himself with the need to return to his studies, but Craig's pleading for him to stay had quickly overruled his own discomfort and he had sat quietly for hours, holding gently onto his lovers hand as the dark haired man began to let go of his mother.

Steph had understood his brother's need for the man he loved at his side and had welcomed the young McQueen's presence as much as she hoped her brother's welcomed Max when he called by. Jake, on the other hand, had struggled with John Paul's constant attendance at first. But holding true to the promise he had made both young men he hadn't voice his misgivings and had eventually managed, not to exactly welcome his brother's boyfriend into the family home, he hadn't objected to him being there either. It was obvious for everyone to see the strength that Craig gained from John Paul at his side and no one had reason to oppose to that.

John Paul shivered as he pulled himself from under the warmth of the duvet. Craig's absence from the bed worried him, the cool of the sheets by his side let John Paul know that the man had been gone for more than a few minutes. Pulling on a pair of jogging bottoms John Paul padded barefoot from the bedroom in search of his partner.

Craig was sitting on the sofa, dressed in nothing but his boxers, his arms were wrapped around his bare legs and his chin rested on his knees. A soft glow from the streetlight shone through the window covering half of his form in a warm sheen and leaving the other half in shadow.

John Paul stood silently in the doorway for a few seconds drinking in the sight of the man before him. The muscles of his arms seemed accentuated by the strategically placed light, the deep shadowing sculpting out the shape of his forearms and the broadness of his shoulders. John Paul stared at the perfect image of masculinity huddled on his sofa and felt a fresh surge of love run through him. But at the same time he could sense Craig's pain, the pain that had stolen his sleep and driven him from the bed who knew how long ago.

"Craig?" John Paul spoke in the soft whisper that the late hour dictated.

Craig's face turned to the door and John Paul could see his large soulful eyes were heavy with tears.

"What's wrong?" John Paul asked as he sank onto the seat beside his love and slipped an arm around the cold of the man's shoulders.

"I had a dream," Craig replied with a sniffle as he leant into the heat that radiated from John Paul's body. He hadn't realised how cold he had become sitting in the dark.

"Was it a nightmare?" John Paul asked pulling Craig closer to him and rubbing lightly at the man's chilled arms.

"No," Craig said with a sad smile, "It was… it was wonderful…"

"Tell me about it."

Craig rested his head against John Paul's chest as the man's arms held him tightly, letting the warmth and the comfort of the man seep into him.

"I was young," Craig explain, closing his eyes and letting the memory of the dream replay in his mind, "Really young, I dunno five or six and we were in the park… Me, Jake, Steph, Debbie, mum and dad… the whole family like we used to be… I'm not even sure what we were doing now…" Craig shook his head as the dream became less clear in his mind. "Playing football maybe, or just… I don't know, just being a family… being together… and I felt so happy… so safe… my whole family was with me and I knew nothing could hurt me… and then…"

Craig gulped as he held back the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes.

"Tell me," John Paul encouraged with gentle kisses to the top of Craig's head.

"I… I don't know I woke up and… and for a second I'd forgotten… I could still hear mum's laughter as we all ran around and it felt so good to hear it again… but then I remembered… and I don't even know for sure if we were ever really like that… but when I remembered that she was gone it felt like losing her all over again… how many more times do I have to lose her before it stops hurting so much… when's it gonna stop hurting John Paul?"

"I don't know," John Paul replied tenderly, "I wish I did, I really do Craig, I wish I could tell you it would all be OK soon, I wish I could take all the hurt away…"

"I miss her so much some times…"

"I know you do."

"I used to get so sick of her phoning me all the time… but I'd give anything for her to be able to call me now… I'd do anything to have her back."

John Paul held Craig tightly to his chest as the man's body shook with silent sobs, his hands stroked over Craig's hair as he whispered soft sounds of comfort to the man he loved, to the boy who was grieving for his mother.

"Come on," John Paul said once the worst of Craig's tears had subsided, "Let's get you back to bed, you're freezing… and Craig?"

"Yeah?"

"Next time wake me OK? You don't have to do this on your own…"

Craig allowed himself to be pulled to his feet and John Paul guided him back to the bedroom.

"I don't think I could have done this without you," Craig said gratefully as he slipped back beneath the soft duvet.

"You never have to," John Paul promised as he climbed into the bed beside Craig.

Turning on his side Craig sighed as John Paul moved against him. John Paul's chest was pressing into his back and his arm slipped around Craig's waist to pull him close. Catching hold of John Paul's hand Craig lifted it to his mouth and kissed softly at each finger.

"I love you," Craig murmured in a voice that was already heavy with sleep.

"Love you too," John Paul replied as he kissed the back of Craig's neck softly.

Within minutes Craig's breathing had become deep and steady, as both physical and mental exhaustion had demanded the release of sleep. John Paul pressed his face into the back of Craig's neck, breathing in the rich scent of him, as warm tears trickled over his cheeks. He hated seeing Craig in so much pain but what made it worse was knowing that in a couple of days Craig would be too far away for John Paul to be able to help. In a few days Craig was heading back to Dublin and John Paul would be left behind in Chester. All he could do was hope and pray that they were both strong enough to cope.

The last image John Paul could remember before sleep finally came for him wasn't the one he normally had. It wasn't the beautiful dark eyes of Craig that looked at him with love. Instead the last face in John Paul's mind as he began to drift off was of Frankie Osbourne and she was smiling at him. Before John Paul could wonder what Frankie had to smile about all conscious thought was washed away on slumber's tide.

---

John Paul thought the weather should have been different that day. It should have been darker with thunderstorms rolling overhead, lightening tearing through the sky signalling the end of the world. But in truth it was nothing like that. The cloud cover was high and hazy leaving the sky grey and dull. A light drizzle threatened in the air but never quite fulfilled its promise.

The more John Paul thought about it the more he realised that perhaps the weather was more appropriate than he had first realised. The sky seemed grey and empty, just like his life had felt without Craig in it. Grey and empty but with the hint of sunshine trying to break through, just like his life would be with Craig far away in Dublin.

"How strange does this feel?" Craig laughed as the two men walked into John Lennon airport. The sensation of déjà vu was intense for both of them but this time they already knew that John Paul wouldn't be boarding the plane to Ireland.

"It'll be OK," John Paul said reassuringly.

"I know… but I still wish I could stay… or you could come."

"So do I… but it won't be for long… and then…"

"We wasted so much time John Paul… and if it hadn't been for…"

John Paul squeezed Craig's shoulder affectionately, pausing for a second in anticipation of his hand being shrugged away but it never happened. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on John Paul. If Frankie hadn't died Craig would have had no reason to come home, Jake would never have called and John Paul would never have known that Craig still loved him. Without Frankie's death they might never have found each other again. The very idea scared John Paul and, although he could never say as much to Craig, a part of him would always be thankful that Frankie fell that day.

Looking into the soft pools of John Paul's sapphire eyes Craig felt the comfort of his look. Maybe it was fate or karma that had sent Frankie to her death that dreadful afternoon. Perhaps the universe had decided that Craig could have the happiness he craved with John Paul, but only at the cost of another person in his life. Craig wondered if he would have been able to make that sacrifice if he'd been given the choice. Would he have willingly given up his mother if it meant having John Paul back in his life? It scared Craig to realise he didn't really know the answer, that he couldn't for definite say he wouldn't have surrendered his mother in place of his lover.

The two men stood silently in the queue as the hustle and bustle of the busy airport carried on around them. They were both consumed with the thoughts of "the last time we were here…" So many things had changed for them that day, the biggest change being that they discovered they weren't ready to be together.

"I'm sorry," Craig said suddenly.

"What for…"

"Not being able to… you know… the last time we were here."

"It doesn't matter now."

"You were right though, you did deserve better." Craig sighed with remorse over how much he had lost by not being strong enough.

"More," John Paul said firmly.

"What?"

Turning to look into the fathomless depths of Craig's chocolate gaze John Paul smiled. A warming smile, a comforting smile and a smile filled with love.

"I said I deserved MORE… not better…"

"Does it make a difference?" Craig asked.

"It makes all the difference," John Paul explained, "I wanted more than you could give me back then, more… I don't know… more commitment… but I could never have wanted better… there was nothing better than us… there never will be."

Craig's face broke into a wide smile at John Paul's words. The entire time he had spent in Dublin Craig had believed that John Paul had wanted better than him and the thought crushed him. He had thought what they shared was a good as it could get. Knowing the truth was like validating everything he had ever felt for John Paul, discovering that they really were meant to be.

"Kiss me John Paul."

"What?"

"I want you to kiss me."

John Paul laughed. The last time they had been together in this place he had needed that reassurance from Craig. No, he had needed that proof. He had needed to know that Craig wouldn't be afraid to be with him in public and Craig had failed the test. But things were different now. He didn't need any proof. He knew how much Craig loved him because it was just as much as he loved Craig. What they felt, what they shared, it was theirs alone and the rest of the world didn't matter.

"You don't have to do that," John Paul said kindly, he would never try and push Craig into anything he wasn't ready for ever again.

"I know," Craig said stepping a little closer, when John Paul had asked him to do that simple thing he had been too afraid. Still too worried about what other people might think of him. But that was a long time ago, that was a different, weaker, Craig. "But what if I want to?" Craig dropped his bags to the floor, placing his ticket on top of them. His hands were warm as they pressed against John Paul's face. "What if I fancy you so much that I really want to kiss you right now?"

John Paul smiled as he leant into the gentle hold. "Well in that case," he replied with a smile.

As their lips touched the noise of the airport seemed to become muted, a background hum that didn't involve them. Their arms slid around each other's back as their kiss deepened. It was a kiss they would have to hold on to until the next time they could be together, a kiss to remember in the long lonely nights to come.

Craig half heard a murmur of disapproval behind him but he didn't care. There would have been a time when he would have pushed John Paul away in fear, or confronted the person behind him in anger but those times had passed and Craig's only reaction, if it even was a reaction to the disapproving sounds, was to pull John Paul closer, memorising the feel of his body strong and firm in his arms while he still could.

"I love you so much," Craig breathed as their lips pulled apart. Both men were a little flushed and panting as they separated, and incredibly frustrated at the public location.

"Oh god Craig," John Paul's eyes glistened with tears and the words "don't go" were heavy in his mouth. He knew if he asked Craig would stay but he knew if Craig stayed they could both live to regret it. "I love you too."

Craig was about to reply when a hand tapped him on the shoulder, looking around in annoyance he saw an elderly woman behind him pointing at the counter. He hadn't noticed the queue before him pass through so quickly.

"Sorry," he said to the woman as he picked up his bags and shuffled forward.

---

Time seemed to stand still but at the same time it felt as if it was rushing by too fast. John Paul's eyes flicked constantly to the information boards as he counted down the minutes to the departure of the flight that would take Craig away again.

"You know I…" Craig paused suddenly unsure if he should continue.

"What?" John Paul asked curiously.

"Last time…" Craig continued, shuffling his feet and keeping his eyes to the floor, "I came after you… when you walked away…"

"Did you?" John Paul was surprised how happy that made him feel, it had always hurt that Craig had let him walk away so easily.

"Yeah, I'd… I'd checked in and everything and then I was going up the escalator when I realised that you were really gone and… I ran back down looking for you… but you'd gone… I almost ran back out of the airport after you…"

"What stopped you?" John Paul's fingers curled instinctively between Craig's.

"I dunno… I was scared I guess… scared you'd still walk away… scared you didn't love me any more… scared you did… I was such an idiot back then… if I could change things."

John Paul smiled; letting go of Craig's hand he slipped his arm around the man's shoulders.

"We were both idiots back then," he said as he hugged Craig to him, "Maybe it was all for the best… I think… I think we needed that time apart to really be sure… and I am now… I would never walk away from you again Craig, never…"

"Well if you did I'd drag you back kicking and screaming!"

"Deal!"

Leaning their heads together the two men laughed. It had been a long journey to get where they were, but it had been worth every step and neither of them wanted to change a moment.

Craig looked up as the boarding call for his flight was heard over the tannoy.

"It's time," Craig said sadly. Every fibre of him wanted to stay, wanted to be with John Paul and as John Paul's arm fell from him he felt the loss like a sharp pain.

John Paul caught hold of Craig's hands, standing before the man he drank in every inch of his gorgeous dark-haired boyfriend, memorising every inch of the man he had never been able to forget, holding onto every last second while he still could.

"You'll write?" Craig asked.

"Course I will… and text… and email… and phone… you won't even know I'm not there…"

"I'll know… John Paul… I… I could still stay…"

"No you can't… you know you can't…" Pulling Craig's face to his John Paul kissed the man softly, their tears blending together on their cheeks. "Go now," John Paul insisted as he pushed Craig from him, "Just go before I change my mind…"

Collecting his bags Craig walked slowly through the gateway leading to his flight. Every footstep felt heavy and laboured as he walked away from where he wanted to be and towards where he had to be.

"John Paul," Craig stopped and turned back to the blonde haired man who was watching him go. The two men ran back to each other, reaching across the barrier they embraced, sharing one final kiss, the sweetest and bitterest kiss they had ever known.

Pulling back Craig took a long look at the love of his life and then turned and ran. He didn't look back, couldn't look back or he would never have been able to leave but he still heard John Paul's voice calling after him.

"I love you Craig."

Craig smiled to himself. He would hold those words in his heart until he could be back with the beautiful man who said them.

Standing outside the airport John Paul looked into the sky as planes soared overhead. So many people taking so many journeys. People going on holiday, people starting new lives and people going home. And on one plane out there somewhere sat John Paul's heart, being taken far away from him but he didn't need it, not until Craig came home.

---

"Dear Craig" delete

"Dearest Craig" delete

"My darling Craig" delete

John Paul sighed and rested his face in his hands. He had wanted to have an email waiting for Craig when he got back to Dublin, but for the last ten minutes he hadn't even been able to write the opening greeting. Staring at the subject line John Paul didn't even like what he'd written there. "Hello" it meant nothing, once again John Paul hit delete.

Subject: I love you

Dear Craig (it would have to do)

You've been gone such a short time and already I miss you. I can still smell your aftershave on my skin, I can still taste you on my lips and I can still feel you in my arms.

I know that going back to Trinity is the right thing for you to do but it doesn't make being without you any easier, the only comfort is knowing that this time we are only separated by distance, in my heart we are always together. Does that sound soppy? Maybe it does but I don't care… for so long I had tried to pretend that I didn't miss you any more, that I didn't love you any more but now I don't have to do that… I can shout from the rooftops that I miss you and I love you.

Call me soon Craig, or text or email or anything… just let me know you got back to Dublin OK.

I love you

Love always

John Paul

xxx

John Paul hit send and then closed his laptop with a sigh. His eyes sought out the photograph of two old school friends who had fallen in love and he smiled. Craig Dean would always be the best friend he had ever known, he just hadn't realised in those days that Craig would also become his greatest love.


End file.
